Leading up to Christmas

Yesterday my daughter C came to stay on the boat. She phoned me the night before and we booked the train. Then in the morning she phoned to say she couldn’t pick the tickets up because she needed my bank card!…..I had tried to transfer the money to her using online banking doing it on my phone, it was a real hassle but the transfer couldn’t be done before the 24th!

So I booked a bus ticket and she received the ticket by text..technology eh!

We went round Lichfield and went to the Cathedral to see what time the Carol Service was. We got back to the boat, I was knackered, and in pain. Fibromyalgia strikes at any time and I was in real pain..so although we were going the carol service was at 6.30pm I could not get out of the chair.

Today, it has rained all day. We have sat and chilled out, watched Christmas films on tv, Its a Wonderful Life, the horror Spiderhole – which was not good. I have cooked 3 different dinners, 1. Vegetarian for C, 2. Lactose/potato free for me and 3. Anything goes for Mrs Hsgreen.

I sent Viv my sister an email, knowing that she hates emails and computers etc..telling her of my diagnosis of Alzheimer’s.

I am thinking a lot today of what it means and how long I have before I am not me anymore. I lie in bed at night and can’t believe..no..don’t want to believe it. I want to die before I am a burden because my mind has gone.

I think about Professor L saying that we need to think about our wills and to organise power of attorney. Bloody hell I thought, that is serious stuff…

My daughter C, took the information with seemingly acceptance as if it was an every day thing. Your mother has Alzheimer’s, Oh really, Yes, Oh dear, not to worry then….Later she said she was trying to take it in.

My husband does not say a lot, but I am guessing he thinks more. We have only been married 18 months and this is not what either of us had in mind.

I want to apologise to him, “I am so sorry, I did not know, I would not have put myself on you had I known”. I want to tell him not to allow me to live if I need treatment and my Alzheimer’s is advanced. Once ‘me’ has gone, I don’t want to live anymore.

Oh how to say these things.