Today I spoke to my Dad. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him over Christmas, I didn’t want to talk about anything to do with losing my mind.
Today I told him I Alzheimer’s, he was shocked, and started talking about the sadness of caring for my mother who has vascular dementia, brought on by mini strokes. I wanted to say – stop it I don’t want to hear how awful it is to care for someone with dementia. He said “she lays the table with the wrong knives and forks and that is sad, it is the little things that upset me”.
It makes me feel so guilty that Mr Hsg will have to deal with things like this. I don’t want him to be tired because it is hard work, I don’t want him to wish he had never married me. The guilt I feel is heavy.
It is easy to say, that he married me because he loves me, he didn’t sign up to be a carer of someone who will lose their mind.
I keep waiting for someone to say, sorry we got it wrong…maybe I dreamt it and will wake up and it will be different.
I think I need this short, private, silent, time to rage and despair inside, whilst I quietly accept it on the outside. Soon it will no longer be new news to me, and will be “as it is”.
So..moving on to that time…