April 2013 – Handbagwarrior; verbal ramblings

Stress of ending my employment

Last night after I got into bed I felt tears leak out from my eyes and was surprised to find myself crying, although once I realised, I stopped. There has been stress in my life that I push down and away as I choose not to live with stress anymore. Stress makes my ability to find words to talk in any fluent way, and my memory dysfunctional.

I received a “Compromise Agreement” from my work with regards my not being fit to work indefinitely and finishing my employment. I think Compromise is pushing it and a total misnomer!

Right here is the rub; my Doctor has said I can no longer work, I am still employed but off sick: therefore it would make sense that work dismiss me on the grounds of no longer being able to fulfil my contract of employment. I WANT to be released from work, but need to apply for sickness benefit because I still have to have nearly three years before I receive my state pension and need to be dismissed/or let go to do that.

Work however, appears to be terrified that I will take them to a tribunal for unfair dismissal so have constructed a legal document that is 8 pages long and requires an additional signature of a Solicitor to say I understand it. I can no longer work because of Early Onset Alzheimer’s which is never going away and will get worse over time; I SIMPLY WANT TO FINISH WORK….

Of course I am not going to sign such a hideously gagging document when I have no need to, but it has stressed me out that ending my working life seems to be such a difficult thing to do.

Next, I see that I have only received a small amount of sick pay, what is going on? Why are my employers so inept in sorting it out. I did not want to use my Union Solicitor but may have to.

I cried because of the exasperation of the knowledge of having Alzheimer’s in the first place, and the stress of not understanding why it is so difficult to finish work.

If you do know what to do – Do Nothing until a natural solution comes along…

So I will take my own advice and ignore them.

Bear with me reader whilst I adjust my visuals…..

Albert Einstein wrote:

“The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”

I would like to change this to read:

“the most comprehensible thing about the world is that it is incomprehensible“

I am trying to learn how to add different pages to my WordPress site and am failing miserably! I can’t understand the instructions. I have tried so many different things and ways but it eludes me.

All I want to do is add a a couple of pages with different subjects..Will I end up having to have another blog instead? I can’t think straight anymore because I am going round in circles. This is a bit embarrassing and sad as I once worked in IT !

Hey ho…keep reading the support advice…keep trying..

SHOUTING and pyramids

Today I will share what irritates the hell out of me, and maybe others too.

Okay, here we go….1. CAPITAL LETTER WRITING…

Why do some people write on shoutangry ly in capital letters? You cannot read capital letters without thinking of the advert and HI, MY NAME IS BARRY SCOTT AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT CILLIT BANG….. Capital letters are SHOUTING at the top of your voice. It is angry talk.

You shout TO people without listening, you talk WITH people giving them a chance to put their opinions forward.

I have often seen religious writing that have capital letters, and to be quite frank I find it offensive. Don’t tell me what I should believe as if it is the truth. If I won’t believe you if you talk I certainly won’t believe it if you SHOUT, in fact I won’t read it because it is too hard to read writing that only uses CAPITAL LETTERS. And breathe…..

Next: 2. PYRAMID BLOGGING..or whatever

Life is too full of what you can get instead of what you can give. Is there any respectability, or honesty in purporting to write random things to sell the idea that you can make money with the banal? So lets get this straight…I do not write my thoughts for money…I write, I hope with some integrity because it is cathartic, because it helps me cope with having Alzheimer’s, because I want others to see that having Alzheimer’s is more than dementia and has no respect for intelligence, class, success, wealth or certainty in ones own future. I want to be able to record my demise in words as it happens – in real time. Thus you will notice that I will repeat myself in my blogs because I cannot remember what I have already written and have you ever tried to trawl through your writing to see if you have already covered it? Actually it does show me the errors I write and how uninteresting it is sometimes, not to worry though as I enjoy writing it!

If I wanted to make money from my writing I would write books, although, thank you, yes I am quite aware of my limitation with the written word before you comment!

Rant over, thank you for listening….hello, hello…anybody left out there reading this? 😉

Language and me

My head doesn’t feel right today. I am slightly off balance, the pain on the right side is still there. My neck is stiff and painful, my fibromyalgia is bad today.

I have ~~become~~ begun to wonder if the pain in my head is related to my brain cells dying. Am I feeling the neuroscientific changes as it happens? That’s a scary thought: to feel the pain of the tangles stopping my neurons from working in real time. Okay that’s only my fantastical ideas and probably not what’s happening but it feels like it. Today my memory is worse, I cannot remember my passwords to anything, which is bad news when it is your ??? (can’t think of the word…) = security system! Yes, I have passwords written down but it doesn’t stop me getting confused as to what they are and whether I have since changed them and not updated them in my shiny purple and gold little book.

It could of course be fibro-fog when the pain gets worse then your ‘head’ gets ‘foggy’ – excellent choice of word for it.

Good news though.. saw my Dr yesterday and she advised me that if I am being treated by a hospital outside of my area I should be able to stay with them…I shall phone SP and let him know that I do not wish to end my treatment there. We think that he may not be aware that I have been told I am not in the area and cannot continue there.

So that is the goal for next week: try to remember to phone SP at the hospital.

Right now I am forcing myself to put words down because I am struggling. I was looking at a blog which I feel is good called “Refined Quotes” (http://quotily.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/l-wittgenstein-philosophical-investigations/) which provoked replies about language. The more I read the more I felt that none could feel the experience of language inside themselves. To quote globally on the nature of language is to look at and think about the experience outside of their own use of language. To me, I feel that I am experiencing language from the inside, struggling to make sense of instructions and how that shows a confused face of me. Language has not left me but has become more important as I notice the demise of tiny parts of language that become dysfunctional in my brain. Language is communicating who you are, if you no longer have language do you fail to be you? No because communication is much more than language, who you are is much more than language or communication, so why do I feel that the more I forget and the less words I have, parts of me slip away?

Bits and bobs of thoughts

For the past few days my head has been ‘thick’. I feel groggy and rubbish! My head hurts on the right side slightly higher than the area the pain was before. Is this my brain or is this my fibro? I have had a lot more pain walking recently, with a pain in right groin and pain in my knee and the left side of my lower back. I seem to have settled into a day of relative activity and a day of rest. Advice from others fibro sufferers say to pace yourself, and certainly there are days I need to rest up to be able to have some energy later.

I have also been trying out lactase tablets which enables me to have milk. Using some lactose free milk I made cauliflower cheese which was very yummy but my stomach gurgled all night. I don’t think I would like to try it too often.

Some days I really can’t be bothered to cook, lately I would be quite content not to bother eating so it is good that I need to feed Mr Hs! I did make a chocolate and pear pudding yesterday using raw chocolate pie. I bought raw chocolate bars because I tasted Chocolate Pie from Raw Intent, (a company that I can’t find any trace of now). The bars I bought somehow did not have the same delicious taste, so I thought I would cook with it. This of course is an experiment and after cooking I found I didn’t want to eat it…..I will be brave and have it later today :S I will stick to Booja Booja raw chocolate in future.

When we were in Burton yesterday we went into Smith’s to look for magazines and I almost walked out of the shop with one without a thought that I had to pay for it. Mr Hs commented that I needed to pay for it which made me realise how poor my attention is at times. Scary!

We were also talking about power of attorney and know that we need to get it sorted out. We discussed who would have power of attorney over who in the event it is needed. In light of the fact that Mr Hsg has been getting confused recently and has had memory lapses which feels like a warning, I have asked my Daughter to accept power of attorney if Mr Hs is not capable. Thank goodness she said she would.