Tears and reality – 17th May 2013

Finally I am crying and cannot stop.  Finally Mr Hs has shown his anger with me and has stormed off.

What started it; I asked for the fan on the fire to be tilted a bit because I feared the light hitting it.  Sharp flashes of light sets off a migraine for me and because the sun has moved round in the season it hits the shiny turning blades of the fan with a strobe effect.

3 Blade ecofan

Mr Hs just blew!  He started talking about the fan not working properly if it is not facing outwards.  ‘So it is ok for me to get migraine?’ I finally commented.  He simply repeated that the fan only works as it should facing outwards.  He then went on to say how I am going on and on that nothing is right; ‘it’s too warm’, ‘it’s too cold’.  He then copied how I fan myself at night when I get a hot flush.

‘What’s wrong with that’ I ask, “I never say anything, I don’t complain, I am just fanning myself cooler?”

However, it didn’t matter what I said, he was going to be angry and would find something that was irritating him to justify it.  He said he ‘wanted to argue’.  What can I say to that, when I do not.

So I cried and cried.  I cried with the futility of my anger at having the disease.  I cried with the unfairness, I cried because there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I cried for the loss of my life later on, I cried for Mr Hs having to deal with me with full dementia.  I am guessing his anger was for the same reasons.

I don’t blame him for his anger.

I am so sorry Mr Hs, I wouldn’t have put this on you had I known before we met.

It felt like a glimpse of my future, with Mr Hs getting irritated by my Alzheimer’s because he is angry and I am no longer able to stand my ground, and I cried for my helplessness and his helplessness.

He got dressed, left the boat, and busied himself with filling the tank with water, bringing the bag of soil for my pot plants and generally pottering about.  When he returned later, the anger had dissipated, but the air was heavy with the words already spoken.

But he had thoughtfully sprayed the shiny blades of the fan black.

Later when we had got into bed he kissed me goodnight healing the words of the day.

Author: Gill

I photograph things that take my eye.

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