Apathy and the constant challenge of challenging myself!

Some days need more of a challenge than others as I slip into an uncomfortable numbness.

The hot humid summers days have cooled. I welcome the coolness outside having hated the heat which exhausts me, but with the coolness and the humidity comes the pains in my joints especially my shoulders right now, but ok I can take a paracetamol, after all you can’t have everything.

Its Monday morning and I get out my medicines to fill my weekly box and blow me, guess what, I have forgotten that I needed to collect the remainder of my Rivastigmene from the chemists!   Good grief, have I not just gone through this a short time ago.  So, not only did I forget to order my prescription, which came in two parts, I have forgotten to pick up the remainder of it , how could I not have remembered that one?   I was going to write ‘what is wrong with me’ but thats laughable.   

The past few days I have been feeling apathy and something I can’t quite put my finger on and feel upset with myself for not overcoming it.

Maybe I am feeling apathy because I have allowed myself to sink into a routine that is so comfortable it is not challenging?   Maybe, my brain is just having a rest, maybe its part of Alzheimer’s depression (I don’t remotely feel depressed or less than happy).   I have somehow not phoned my family, friends, or kept up to date with anyone.  I realise that for me sometimes it is a real struggle to do these things, how do you explain that I can get ‘scared’ to make that call, or chat.  I don’t understand it myself only that once I do it, all is well, and I think what was all the fuss about.  

One thing I know, keeping positive is a challenge on a daily basis, and somedays I don’t manage so well.

Yesterday whilst the weather was on the edge of turning into rain, I took my camera out to take some photo’s and to check what the farmers had done to the field next to us.  For the past few days our eyes have been watering and we are told that they have been spraying lime on the fields and unfortunately the wind has been in our direction.   Having listened to the tractors early in the mornings I thought they had been ploughed but see that they are working through the patchwork around the marina spraying.   



Last year the fields were planted with potatoes, this year oilseed rape, I wonder what will be in there next year?

Author: Gill

I photograph things that take my eye.

16 thoughts on “Apathy and the constant challenge of challenging myself!”

  1. I am fond of ornamental cabbages but I suspect that is unlikely.

    Apathy, lack of motivation, self pity, paranoia… all these things affect everyone at some point. Why don’t you go and plant something somewhere and watch it grow. If you are as bad a gardener as I am that can be your challenge – to keep it alive!!!


    1. lol I wish, I live on a narrowboat so my garden is a small box on the roof full of herbs! I would love a small patch to grow veg on somewhere.

      I have sewing to do…
      I have cards to make with my photography…
      Oh yes I need to knock apathy on the head, am trying honestly!


  2. Sounds like you’re getting the brunt of their pesticides and experiments in such: lime? marina? I wonder what effects such substances are having on you unintended? Is anyone even thinking of that? EPA? Are is just being done blindly without any supervision? i.e., who gives a funk about the humans across the road type thinking?

    Makes me wonder at the correlation between what their calling you Alzheimer and this unrelated chemical factory across the street? Reason I say this is that we lived in West Texas when I was growing up and the nuclear test sites were as far as climate wind (the jet winds) in direct line. Do you think the gov cared at that time? No. So now they discovered a high cancer rate in many areas not in others due to the impact of nuclear radiation drift across this regions over years of testing. Many of my family have died over the years of what has been hushed from such things. bummer that it is…

    Either way I feel bad for your issue with Alzheimers and the meds situation. Hope all goes well for you.


    1. The world will never learn. Chemicals that are sprayed, pumped into livestock, I think none of us are immune one way or the other to this. Sadly it appears my Alzheimer’s was the result of being a bit of a punchbag as a child, rather than the messes of the environment. The more I read, the more I fear for humanity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t fear humanity, I fear both ignorance and the top .01% who have gutted the world for their own aggrandizement, and are using us all as grist for the mill, hiding behind science or religion to justify their dark endeavors in the name of all things: freedom and democracy. How vein we are to have allowed them to use such terms against us, to abuse us and weaponize us against ourselves. Sad.


        1. We could not have stopped them for certain. I am glad that I shall not be here in the future that is being destroyed right now.


          1. Yea, I used to be fairly pessimistic about it, too. Now I feel that we must preserve what we can. Which means gathering what remains of validity in our world cultures and more or less envisioning a vehicle of knowledge and wisdom to transport it through the coming centuries of decline and chaos ahead of us. Otherwise as in your thinking its all apathy and nihilism, death and destruction ahead.

            I guess there is still enough of the resilient and defiant rebel in me to say: no, I want let that happen 🙂


          2. I think my pessimism is fear for my family. Having said that you are right, one should never give in gracefully 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  3. I (like S C Hickman) am also concerned about the chemical spray and its effect on you & your husband – I sincerely believe some chemicals, growth hormones (in chickens) etc affect me. I am fine with organic eggs or those from a farm where they free range and use natural feed, but seem to get tachycardia from the ordinary supermarket eggs. I actually feel rather ‘seedy’ and nauseous like if you have a hangover or a tummy bug. My elderly Mother was the same. We both have/had MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity).

    Over the years (of my poor memory) I have gradually formed new habits and ways of keeping up to date with tasks.

    Since I got rid of my phone landline and now only have a mobile phone with a limited $$ call plan allowance, I have asked people/family to ring ME (or email me). They are all working and have good income and I am living on a frugal Government pension. If you feel this is something that will help you keep in contact, perhaps it might be a new routine to adopt. Ask people to call you regularly (instead of you calling them).

    I open my computer and email first thing every morning and read my emails. I then delete the ones that don’t need action and leave the ones that I want to reply to (or follow up in some way). This email list is my list of reminders. I have even been known to email myself back in the days when I was still working. I’d send an email from my office to my home computer as a reminder.

    The other thing I do and have become very good at, is writing down everything I need to be reminded about on a large spiral notebook in front of my computer. While you still have the ability to do so, write everything down.

    I am much better now I’m not working, stressed and get better sleep. But I still go through intermittent periods when it takes me several walks into the kitchen to remember to write something on my shopping/to do list. When you think of something, do it immediately, not when the radio/tv/or computer writing comes to a ‘break’. At this stage in your Alzheimers form the new habits and this will be the starting blocks of life for when your memory starts to deteriorate a little more.

    I believe I have better memory now I get more restful restorative sleep. Back in my working days, before I was diagnosed and had meds for sleep, I was living on 2-3 hours sleep for years. I would bump into furniture and walk around in a ‘haze’. I can’t believe the difference a good amount of deep restorative sleep each night gives.

    The important thing is to be positive and optimistic. It’s not your fault, Alzheimers is creeping into your life. Don’t feel guilty or pessimistic. Accept that this is the way it is and be thankful for what you still have. I have read many books on Buddhist philosophy and have found them a great comfort. I now take joy in the simple pleasures and don’t think about what I have lost.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the idea of emailing myself Vicki, I just wish I could write things down when I think of them, it is a hard thing for me to organise. I agree about chemicals and food, I always eat free-range meat even if it more expensive (we just eat less). I believe the chemicals may have had an effect of the immune system in the body.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I would like my own inner-brain coach encouraging me to be motivated sometimes! (possibly with the voice of Johnny Depp) 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Just my two cents. You may have alzheimer disease for some other reason but I assure you those chemicals are wreaking their own kind of havoc on your system. If you could get out of there, I would. Or better yet, take up the cause against such spraying. Perhaps a hit of piss and vinegar would help your apathy.


    1. Thankfully it is done for the year now!

      I have done my ranting for causes in the past so I shall leave the piss and vinegar to others, my time is too precious to be worrying about it now.

      Liked by 1 person

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