Lately I notice that anything I say is not quite right and has be adjusted, or has to be embellishes with a greater knowledge than mine. It irritates the hell out of me not because of Alzheimers but because it is belittling and I find it difficult to bite my tongue and not say anything rather than start a dialogue that would not be productive to either of us. He is angry with me.

I have always found it hard to be impressed by people, I think that my childhood taught me that the wise words by Maya Angelou was the only thing that mattered, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”.

If someone tells me something new, or adds to what I have said I listen and enjoy the extra knowledge, but when someone challenges a simple statement to try and show that it was incorrect by changing the context, then I feel irritated. Maybe the fact that I have developed these life changing illnesses frustrates or is the focus of disappointment. When we attend the next appointment at the memory clinic, Mr Hs will be expected to record any changes…irritability, ‘oh yes’, he can say ‘she is more irritable’, and no one will ask me why. But I can write it down.

24/01/13 Thursday

The past few days I have not taken my Fluoxetine because they are upsetting my stomach, and my head continues to have pain on the right side. On a scale of 1 to 10 the pain is about 8 at times. I was trying not to take painkillers on a regular basis because previously it had become too regular and can induce headaches, but now I simply cannot bear daily headaches.

The day is very grey, heavy with the promise of more snow. The bird table still hangs in the window, empty and incongruous whilst we discuss possible places. Can we somehow hang it outside the window inbetween the boats, would the birds find it so far away from the bank and trees? We had chores to do today; the tap was not frozen so we would fill with water, at the same time put the washing machine on. Mr Hs went to empty the toilette cassette and I dumped the rubbish bags in the skip. I also used the shovel and cleared the snow from the pontoon from our boat to the car park. My back and wrists were hurting but I continued because I felt I needed the exercise. I took a few photos, but there was nothing that came out particularly stunning.

22/01/13 Tuesday

It did not stop snowing on Sunday and it would have been silly to have gone out. I feel sick; I have felt dizzy for a couple of days and had the mother of all headaches. My stomach is hurting and I think that the replacement fluoxetine tablets are making me ill. When I collected my last prescription from the pharmacy the factory TIVA had not got any so they gave me another brand that had no lactose in. I have had a look online for information for Lactase – for people intolerant to lactose, and think I might try some so that I can take the medication amitriptyline which is for my Fibro pains and sleep.

Yesterday we went to Lichfield; the cathedral looked beautiful with its blackened stone with the contrast of snow clinging in the crevices of the carvings. The roads were clearer than I thought they would be, but I think that is the microcosmic world of the marina giving me that impression. We bought a plastic and wire mesh hanging bird table some bird food because the snow still lays thickly on the ground and on the trees and has been for some days. Mr Hs put it together and we hung it up on the brass curtain rail and set to thinking where the heck we could put it outside!